Send this article to Promobot

OPINION: Turn off the TV! I can't take much more

August 24th, 2017 | Tommy Wells, Editor Print this article   Email this article  

Over the last few days, I did something I rarely ever do — I turned on the television. And that, for good or bad, left me wondering about the sanity of the entire planet. And, in no small measure, my own sanity for having turned it on.

I have been assured by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad whether or not I was insane was never really in doubt. She's also promised to loosen the straps on my straightjacket if I promise to eat my squash ... which will never happen. I like this padded room way too much to sell my soul to devil and eat squash. Just ain't going to happen.

Any way, over the few days I had the television turned on, I discovered (depending on which channel you turn it to) a lot of startling things. Not the least of which is that all Southerners seem to be hicks, racists and Confederacy backers; that everyone hates Donald Trump; and - even more important than all of that - the cool painter Bob Ross had died.

Honestly, I was surprised that Bob had passed away ... maybe not so much as the fact that he had died like 12 years ago. I mean, how did that happen without me knowing? Bob and I were like regular buddies back when I was in the navy. While serving onboard the U.S.S. Manitowoc (LST-1180), my mother accidentally taped a show of Bob painting some flowers.

Thinking it would be funny, she sent it to me in Norfolk, Va., where our ship was home ported. Not wanting to waste a good tape, I have spent the past 25 years trying to emulate his skills. Just as soon as I can find a hat like his, I am going to try and finish that first painting. By the way, did you know that Bob actually started his painting career in Alaska? I didn't until I looked it up. Seems he was inspired to take up the brush while serving at Eielson Air Force Base in Fairbanks. I believe Walt Disney was also inspired to be creative while he was painting ships in the Navy.

How about that? Bob, Walt and I were all inspired to paint in the military. I must admit, however, most of my inspiration came from having Petty Officers Ed Turley and Brian Galle threaten to dunk me if I didn't paint faster.

I must say one thing about my painting skills as compared to Bob and Walt. Of us three, I guarantee I am the better haze gray painter.

I sure was sad to know Bob passed away. Next thing you know, someone is going to tell me "Mork from Ork" died. That'll be a sad day, for sure.

After recovering from the news of Bob's demise, I was slightly shocked to hear about the rioting in Charlottesville, and all the hoo-doo about the Confederate statues. Having "growed up" in the South, I must admit I never really thought too much about it. I must admit, however, my brother and I did get our pictures taken at Five Flags Over Texas once in a Confederate uniforms. This is going to surprise some of you, but SWMNBMM and my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Renee, blurted out they "liked" men in uniform so we put on the gray. Understand, we did it as an "important" statement. I was trying to impress my Texas "Belle" ... I couldn't very well wear my sailor suit and look like an ice cream man, could I?

I have to say, that photo hangs on my wall somewhere back in Texas. For the only time in memory, the South might have gotten lucky. And ever since I've been living as a slave in my own home. Who the heck knew women start developing "Honey Do" lists when they are that young?

This news that the Blacks, Whites, Browns and everyone else can't get along was surprising. I must have lived my whole life in the only town where everyone lined up on the same street for Fourth of July parades and played football together. I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to "adopt" a black child, or have a Mexican grandson.

Wait a moment, I'm not so sure "other son" Carson Alldredge didn't "adopt" us. He just showed up with my two sons one day and stayed - for years. He's actually one of the greatest young men I've had the pleasure to be around. Works hard. Takes care of his family ... Knows how to pick up his own shoes ... which is a trick we could never teach our other children. Here's the funny thing about Carson — through his "real" father (a retired U.S. Marine), he is actually a relative of Gen. Robert E. Lee.

I think there's a lot of Texicans that didn't get the race memo ... We also haven't gotten the one that says the Cowboys can won again, either.

As for The Donald ... I admit, he does kind of go off on tantrums faster than my 9-month-old granddaughter. But, and here is the point everyone should agree on, he is way more entertaining that watching the Kardashians.

Being that I have ADD, I turned the channels to every station — a lot. That, more than anything, probably explains why SWMNBMM took the remote away and had me try on this fancy coat.

All in all, I have to tell you: Television is way overrated . Turn that thing off, go outside and talk with your neighbor. You might find out the world isn't as crazy as what you see on TV.

Tommy Wells is the editor of the Homer Tribune. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or are just plain lies.


Copyright 2018 The Homer Tribune is a publication of Alaska Media, LLC. This article is © 2018 and limited reproduction rights for personal use are granted for this printing only. This article, in any form, may not be further reproduced without written permission of the publisher and owner, including duplication for not-for-profit purposes. Portions of this article may belong to other agencies; those sections are reproduced here with permission and Alaska Media, LLC makes no provisions for further distribution.