By Sean Pearson
Have you ever had one of those times when you are driving late at night and you just want to get home and go to bed? You start getting a little bit tired and take a sip of your soda. You reach over and turn up the radio, only to find they are playing a continuous loop of Kenny G’s greatest hits. You glance up from the radio, squint a little bit and then…
There’s a 747 jackknifed on the highway directly in your lane! Lights are searing into your eyes as the metal behemoth hurtles toward you. You hit the brakes and swerve to avoid the landing gear.
Then you suddenly realize you were just hallucinating.
Hasn’t happened to you, eh?
Hmmm. Me neither, it was just a hypothetical question.
OK. Just so I don’t have state troopers following me home every day, let me set the record straight.
Ever since I started taking my medication, I haven’t had those sleep-deprivation hallucinations when I drive. I’m sure many of you are happy to hear that. I know my insurance company was.
What I don’t understand, however, is why there are no modified sports for people who suffer from Narcolepsy.
Hear me out.
The organized Paralympic Games were first held in Rome in 1960. They currently offer every kind of sport from football and volleyball, to archery and wheelchair rugby. Athletes who suffer from various disabilities can have specific modifications established to allow them to compete in the sport. For some, that means a prosthetic leg, others, a football that beeps.
So what’s in it for the narcoleptics?
You couldn’t really compete in timed events, because there would always be that possibility that you might doze off while the clock runs down. Baseball has no clock, but there are already enough people asleep in the stands if you’re playing for the Kansas City Royals. (Jayhawks, Chiefs…you can’t tell me you didn’t see that one coming.)
Table tennis might be an option. Any horizontal surface is perfect for power napping. (As long as you don’t mind sleeping on the little net.) Water polo initially seems like a no-brainer. However, if you take it under careful consideration, you might find that all you really need is one of those toddler floatation vests. Sure, you’ll probably just drift off into a corner of the pool for a while, but you might end up getting in the way of your opponents occasionally.
How about drag racing at 175 mph?
You wouldn’t have to stay awake very long in order to compete in that one. Besides, what could possibly go wrong in 7.7 seconds?
Well, it’s obvious that all of my extensive research shows that there are clearly not enough narcoleptically modified sports out there. I’m not sure what the margin of error is on my study, but I do know this is as far as I’m going down that “extensive research” path. So, I suppose it’s all a moot point.
Nevertheless, I did turn up one promising lead in my quest for the perfect narcoleptic sport. It involves vests with lots of pockets, a Tooth Tamer Series, 6’ 6” length, heavy power, medium-action, with 80 pound-line weight fishing rod and a sunny day out on the water. I still haven’t completely ironed out all the details, but so far I’ve yet to find any part of the sport of fishing that is not conducive to sleep.
You might want to make sure you wear sunglasses if you do decide to try a little narcoleptic fishing. Nothing ruins a nice nap like a fishhook in the eye.
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